No more Nomad

There were many times whilst dating Nomad that I wondered why I was doing this all over again, and maybe you wondered too. Why would I choose to be with someone who had hurt me so much in the past and had been so selfish? I'm sure there are a great number of reasons for this that I'm not considering, but I can think of three biggies: 1. I really continued to care about him; 2. I was somewhat optimistic about what our future could be; and 3. The timing was better this time than it had been in the past.

So I allowed myself to feel for Nomad again, and he absolutely did a 180 - He was caring, attentive, calm, and loving. He knew he had to make up for what he had done, and he did this very well. But every day I had doubts about whether I should trust Nomad again, and if I was as committed to this relationship as he was. I had some slack on this aspect though; why the hell should I try so hard or not be cautious when I had been so deceived over the last two years? So, I kept him at arms length in a lot of ways, and remained upfront with him about my reservations. I didn't want to be his "girlfriend", because I still had feelings for Superhero Gangster and I wasn't sure how long it would take me to forgive Nomad.

It wasn't until two back-to-back events in the last few weeks, however that I felt forced to make a decision. After speaking with my beloved therapist, I realized I hadn't gotten over what Nomad had done, especially his escapades in South America after kissing me, and various other crap. If I couldn't reconcile things like this over the past 5 months of dating, there wasn't much of a chance in me doing so in the future. This was event #1.

#2 occurred only one day later. After playing poker with Superhero Gangster and some of his friends, he made a move. Yep, after 7 months of being friends as per his request and just hanging out with nothing romantic, he wanted to go on a date, and pursue this further. Why did it take him so long and what switched? Well, wouldn't ya know, it happened in the seasonal section of Target, one of the best places on Earth. I said to him, "If I ever meet the girl who screwed you up [and made him decide to stop dating girls for a year] I'm going to punch her in the face. She ruined you for other women." I thought it was fairly innocent as my comments go, but he took it to heart. He explained to me that night after poker that he realized how much this girl was influencing him, negatively, and how it stopped him from dating me for such a long time, along with his desire to be friends first. He also told me how much he liked me, and how he was now afraid that he may have missed the boat.

So what's a girl to do? Two great guys - one with a history that kicks my ass ever day or one with a clean slate? One who is head over heals in love with me or one who knows me just as a friend? I was so terrified of breaking Nomad in half with ending things, and told him just that long ago when he really started opening up to me. But many of my friend told me that I need to be selfish about this. I couldn't just pretend that these doubts didn't exist to pacify Nomad. So ya, i did cut the cord with him, because I had to do it for myself. I had to consider my sanity and see if things with Superhero Gangster would go anywhere. I owed it to myself. And I couldn't be sorrier to do that to Nomad. People mention payback and Karma and act like he deserves it for being such an idiot in the past, but I can't view it that way. When you hurt someone so deeply, you should take it to heart.