Cut It Out

One of my first guest writings on this blog was about the inordinate amount of ex boyfriends at my birthday party. I was just short of proud at the fact that I had sustained the relationships for as long as I had, even though some of them ended badly. But, last week I got a reality check.

He and I had dated in a long ago and far away land called high school, but we have known each other since the seventh grade. We were the perfect argument to the theory that opposites attract. It was messy, and he has shown me on countless occasions, in hundreds of ways that he is incapable of caring about anyone other than himself, at least in a relationship. Somehow I still found a way to forgive him throughout the years, even though I lacked this strength with other friendships. But now I'm done.

We hadn't had a real social outing together in well over a year. He was high when he picked me up, took Xanax when we got to his friend's apartment, smoked more, and then got drunk. He left me to drive him and his car home, while he passed out in the passenger seat. He refused to fill up the gas tank, and, like I predicted, we ended up on the side of the 101 freeway. I had to call AAA at 3:30 in the morning and tell them I had run out of gas. So yes, I was angry; actually I was furious. He knew this, and said to me, without hesitation "I don't give a fuck what you think, how you feel, or what you do." And then the battery died; I warned him about this too but he said it couldn't happen so fast. And with that, it was over. When the car died, my care for him, my compassion, my empathy died along with it.

It was the night from hell, but I don't regret it. I believe that regrets are what results from being hurt and not learning from it. But I learned that, sometimes, you have to cut people out. I have never consciously ended relationships before, it just occurs naturally sometimes. Some people just aren't good for you; he isn't Carrie's Mr. Big; he isn't even the one who got away; he's nothing but a complete and utter asshole. And that's the end.